The 36 questions - A path to Deeper connection
Do you know that love can be sparked—and even deepened—by asking better questions?
Asking open ended questions contra closed- ended questions, helps to open up and share genuine thoughts which brings you closer.
Example:
Closed ended question: Do you like your job?
Open ended question: What do you like most with your job?
As matchmakers, hearing about how dates are going is a natural part of our daily life. We hear about the wish for a good flow in conversation, for it to feel like connection and not just surfaced-level, a hope for mutuality in sharing and talking. And we know that asking better questions can significantly influence the outcome of a date!
You have probably heard about Dr. Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions - but do you know about the research behind them? This is a powerful set of prompts rooted in psychology and you can find them all below. They are designed to cultivate intimacy and emotional closeness with a stranger - or to deepen a bond. These questions have captured the public's imagination for good reason: they offer a structured way to explore vulnerability, shared understanding, and connection with another person, whether on a date or in a long-term relationship.
The Research Behind the Questions
Inspired by a co-author’s unpublished set of questions (leading to 2 strangers in fall in love inArthur’s lab) he now wished to find a way to build closeness in a relatively short time. Dr. Arthur Aron and his colleagues developed the 36 questions as a part of a 1997 study exploring how closeness develops between individuals.
Since then, numerous strangers reported that the 36 questions made them fall in love, but this was not the purpose of the study; and of course romantic love is often more complex and we do not have the recipe for it…yet!
A main take-out of the results is that this type of structured, progressive mutual self-disclosure can lead people to feel closer. The secret behind the questions lies in their intentional design to foster mutual responsiveness. They gradually progress from lighthearted topics to more personal and meaningful ones, mirroring the natural flow of deepening a bond. By encouraging openness and vulnerability, they create a safe space where emotional intimacy can thrive.
How Do the 36 Questions Work?
The 36 questions are divided into three sets, each more probing than the last:
Set One begins with questions like “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” These are designed to establish rapport and shared interests.
Set Two delves deeper with prompts like “What is your most treasured memory?” to reveal values, dreams, and emotions.
Set Three invites vulnerability with questions such as “When did you last cry in front of another person?” and “What is something you’ve always wanted to share but haven’t yet?”
The questions culminate in a shared experience of vulnerability, which, according to psychological research, is a key ingredient for building trust and connection.
Why Vulnerability and Active Listening Matter
The magic of the 36 questions isn’t just in the answers—it’s in the way they invite active listening and mutual engagement. This process mirrors the principles of mutual responsiveness mentioned above: meaning being fully present, acknowledging your partner’s feelings, and responding with care. By both genuinely listening and reflecting on the other person’s answers, you create a dynamic flow of connection, much like a game of emotional ping-pong. The goal is not to win here but to stay attuned.
In dating or deepening a current relationship, the questions provide a chance to:
Build Trust: Sharing personal experiences and emotions creates a sense of safety.
Foster Emotional Intimacy: Vulnerability can lead to a profound sense of closeness.
Spark Chemistry: By diving into meaningful topics, you move beyond surface-level conversations to cultivate a deeper bond.
How to Use the 36 Questions
Create a Comfortable Setting: Choose a quiet, relaxed environment where both of you feel at ease.
Take Turns Asking and Answering: Alternate roles to ensure a balanced dynamic.
Be Fully Present: Set aside distractions like phones and focus entirely on your partner.
Don’t Rush: Allow time for reflection and meaningful responses.
You can even adapt the exercise for different contexts, like strengthening friendships or reigniting a spark in a long-term relationship.
So, whether you’re on a first date or rediscovering a long-time partner, why not give the 36 questions a try? You may find that love isn’t just about finding the right person—it’s also about asking the right questions.
Ready to dive in? Let the conversation—and the connection—begin.
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…"
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Are you ready to give this a go? A deeper connection awaits.
